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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28446423">The Abyss Also Gazes</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeiStarr/pseuds/Dei_Starr'>Dei_Starr (DeiStarr)</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeiStarr/pseuds/DeiStarr'>DeiStarr</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>MDZS Kink Meme 2020 Prompt Fills [23]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Sentinel (TV), 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV), 魔道祖师 - 墨香铜臭 | Módào Zǔshī - Mòxiāng Tóngxiù, 魔道祖师 | Módào Zǔshī (Cartoon), 魔道祖师Q | Módào Zǔshī Q (Cartoon)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abuse of Authority, Adorable Tiny Murder Child, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Sentinels &amp; Guides, Ancient History, Attempted Patricide, Canonical Character Death, Canonical Character Death - Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn, Character Death Fix, Child Death, Corruption, Demonic Cultivation (Módào Zǔshī), F/M, Feral Behavior, First Couple Of Chapters Are Very Sad, Fix-It, Forced Marriage, Gen, Grieving Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī, Guide Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn, Gūsū Lán Elders Bashing (Módào Zǔshī), Gūsū Lán Forehead Ribbon (Módào Zǔshī), Gūsū Lán Sect Punishment Methods (Módào Zǔshī), Healing, I'm Sorry, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, It's Surprisingly Cathartic, Kidnapping, Kill It With Fire, Kink Meme, Legends, Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī Has PTSD, Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī Stabs His Father, M/M, Madam Lán Backstory (Módào Zǔshī), Madam Lán Deserves Better (Módào Zǔshī), Memories, Meta, Murder, Origin Myths, Past Character Death, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Canon, Pre-Relationship, Precognition, Protection, Psychological Trauma, Pyromania, Rape Recovery, Rating Mainly For Madam Lán's Situation, Recovery, Rituals, Self-Sacrifice, Sentinel Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī, Sentinel Rage, Sentinel Senses, Soulmates, Spirit Animals, Spirit World, Stabbing, Suicidal Thoughts, Superstition, Survivor Guilt, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Temporary Character Death, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, Thirteen Years of Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn's Death, Time Travel, Time Travel Fix-It, Tiny Time Travel Hell-Child, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Wrongful Imprisonment, loss of a child, when in doubt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 12:20:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,360</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28446423</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeiStarr/pseuds/Dei_Starr, https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeiStarr/pseuds/DeiStarr</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lan Wangji attempts a dangerous ritual in his grief after losing Sizhui as well as Wei Ying. </p><p>In doing so, he tears through the fabric of space and time, and moves through the Spirit World; reviving an ancient and revered gift long lost to legend and myth in the process. The ritual succeeds, and he time-travels back into the body of his six year old self. </p><p>All that rage and grief and determination stuck in a very tiny package. </p><p>He has memories to share with his older brother and Nie Huaisang, and a new status in society to help fix the world.</p><p>Things will be different this time - he <i>swears</i> it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lán Huàn | Lán Xīchén &amp; Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī, Lán Huàn | Lán Xīchén &amp; Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī &amp; Qīnghéng-jūn, Lán Qǐrén &amp; Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī, Lán Yuàn | Lán Sīzhuī &amp; Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī, Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī &amp; Niè Huáisāng, Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī &amp; Niè Míngjué, Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī/Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn, Madam Lán &amp; Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī, Madam Lán/Qīnghéng-jūn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>MDZS Kink Meme 2020 Prompt Fills [23]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1928872</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>104</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>470</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>AsianDramas, Mó Dào Zǔ Shī | The Untamed Kink Meme 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Arc One: Chapter One - Lan Xichen, Part One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">



        <li>In response to a prompt by
            Anonymous in the <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/collections/mo_dao_zu_shi_kink_meme_2020">mo_dao_zu_shi_kink_meme_2020</a>
          collection.
        </li>
        <li>In response to a prompt by
            Anonymous in the <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/collections/mo_dao_zu_shi_kink_meme_2020">mo_dao_zu_shi_kink_meme_2020</a>
          collection.
        </li>
    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is a Sentinel Fusion, and the first book of a trilogy.<br/>I originally planned to post this only after finishing the first instalment completely; but my health issues screwed up my participation in NaNoWriMo, and continued afterwards. I currently have writer's block, and today is the last day of 2020, when the Kink Meme is meant to last; so I figured I'd start posting what I've already finished of this fic now. </p><p>Anons: in case you didn't catch it in the tags, the rating is mainly for the whole situation with Madam Lan; as well as LWJ being an adorable tiny murder child.<br/>Also for off-screen child death; this occurs before the Time Travel.<br/>The beginning is very sad; LWJ has every reason to risk time travel, and nothing to stay for. </p><p><strong>Prompt 1:</strong><br/>Lan Zhan attempts a dangerous ritual in his grief over wwx and time-travels back into the body of his younger preteen self.  All that rage and grief and determination stuck in a very tiny package.<br/><b>Prompt 2:</b><br/>I want a fic where WWX time-travels back into his child/teenage body and decides to keep it all a secret (he doesn’t want to burden anyone else with his future knowledge, he’ll personally make whatever self-sacrifices are necessary to fix things, etc. etc.)...but he's hilariously unconvincing at pretending to be his normal, past self.<br/><b>Prompt Details in End Notes.</b></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"Beware that</em><br/>
<em>When fighting monsters</em><br/>
<em>You yourself </em><br/>
<em>Do not become a monster.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>For when you gaze long</em><br/>
<em>Into the Abyss</em><br/>
<em>The Abyss also gazes</em><br/>
<em>Into you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>― <span class="authorOrTitle">Friedrich W. Nietzsche</span></em>
</p>
<hr/><p>Lan Wangji laid in bed in the Jingshi on his side, staring blankly at the wall.</p><p>Utterly numb; there seemed to be nothing left of him. Only a soulless husk left to wither away. Something that hadn't changed since the funeral.</p><p>Seeing him like this terrified his older brother, Xichen.</p><p>It was far too reminiscent of the months following Wei Wuxian's undeserved death – <em>and, <strong>oh!</strong> Hadn't <strong>that</strong> revelation been a bitter pill to swallow? </em>– only <em>this</em> time, there was no child to keep him from succumbing to his grief. He had never stopped grieving Wei Wuxian; never recovered from his loss. But now he faced a terrible new loss on top of the old; this fresh wound on his soul cutting away the anchor that had previously forced him to hold on and learn to live around the pain.</p><p>Xichen understood how he felt – it felt like all he could do to keep getting out of bed in the mornings himself. Oscillating wildly between grief, guilt, shame, self-hatred, rage, and a host of other things. Grief so powerful he could hardly bear the weight of it filled him, every time he opened his eyes and remembered. Following him throughout each day, haunting his dreams at night.</p><p>Wangji hadn't been the only one to love Sizhui. He may have been A-Yuan’s father in all but blood and official title, but Xichen was his uncle.</p><p><em>Was</em>.</p><p>Back when there still <em>was </em>a Sizhui to be an uncle <em>to</em>.  </p><p>Even if he now understood he no longer deserved that title; had never really deserved it in the first place, but especially not now.</p><p>His guilt over Sizhui's death – in part due to how much his steadfast friendship and loyalty to the man who would ultimately become Sizhui's murderer had enabled him for so long, and in part due to the fact that part of him mourned for Jin Guangyao regardless. It was a mourning that would have occurred even had Jin Guangyao lived; it was mourning more for the loss of the person Xichen thought he knew, who turned out to be nothing but a lie, than it was for the actual person. Jin GuangYao’s life or death had no impact on Xichen's loss.</p><p>Though he might have had more difficulty in recognizing that if they hadn't lost Sizhui.</p><p>Ultimately, however, the loss of Jin Guangyao – both that of his friendship and of his very existence – weighed heavy on him, despite all that had happened.</p><p>Between Jin Guangyao’s betrayals, deceptions, and crimes, his father's sheer moral depravity, and the prejudices of the cultivation world; Wangji's love and A-Yuan's family had all been cold-bloodedly murdered.</p><p>
  <em>And Xichen had helped. </em>
</p><p>Helped to kill A-Yuan's family.</p><p>After his birth parents had (most likely) already been killed unjustly by the Jins, just like poor Wen Qionglin; Xichen helped take away his entire extended family along with the man who was as good as his father.</p><p>That he ever dared to think it was fine for him to be considered part of A-Yuan's third family, that he never allowed himself to dwell on the past or contemplate whether or not his actions truly had been righteous; it stank of hubris.</p><p>Now that all the lies had been stripped away; with A-Yuan's loss shining like a spotlight on all of his failures, he was ashamed of himself.</p><p>Xichen had participated in the genocide of an <em>entire people</em>, of <em>A-Yuan’s</em> people. A massacre of the helpless. He had lied to himself too much, for too long, to continue to pretend that he had not noticed after the fact that none of the people he killed during the first Siege of the Burial Mounds were capable of defending themselves with any real skill. That he did not realise the broken bodies strewn across the ground did not belong to young, healthy fighters.</p><p>There was no army waiting for them; <em>there</em> <em>never had been.</em></p><p>They slaughtered the people there <em>anyway</em>.</p><p>
  <em>Slaughtered them like Jin Guangyao had slaughtered A-Yuan. </em>
</p><p>Fierce, bitter anger, regret and self-loathing filled him at the thought of it. And he couldn't <em>not</em> think of it; not with Wangji blaming him the way he did. Not that Wangji's blame of him was in any way unjustified.</p><p>
  <em>Xichen blamed himself, too. </em>
</p><p>It was the only thing keeping him from screaming and lashing out most days – the knowledge that he had no right. That the fault was his as much as it was anyone's.</p><p>There was a part of him that wanted to blame Huaisang; but even though the Nie had been the one to involve the children, he had also set up safeguards and arranged to ensure they were protected throughout his plan. It wasn’t Huaisang's fault that Jin Guangyao had abruptly decided to seek out and kill Jin Rulan; nor his fault that Sizhui was the type of person who was willing to sacrifice himself to save his friend.</p><p>And he knew that Huaisang had only involved the children because he had taken steps to keep them safe; that they were not supposed to be exposed to any real danger while they muddied the waters enough for him to avoid being found out before it was too late for Jin Guangyao to stop him from exposing him.</p><p>Jin GuangYao’s pettiness combined with the children's decision to force their involvement and evade the plans to keep them safely occupied out of the way of the confrontation had unexpected results.</p><p>While it would be easy to say that Huaisang could have done more, had he just <em>trusted</em> Xichen... Xichen understood why he had not.</p><p>It was easy enough to do, when he thought of Da-ge’s body, dismembered and raised as a fierce corpse; and of the way Xichen's absolute trust and <em>insistence</em> on forcing Da-ge to accept help from A-Ya- from <em>Jin Guangyao;</em> teaching him Clarity and providing the access he needed to commit the perfect murder, had led to that outcome. He thought of the grief he felt for his neph- for <em>A-Yuan</em>, and the fear he felt now for his didi; and he understood. He <em>understood</em> why Huaisang did not, <em>could</em> <em>not</em> trust him.</p><p>
  <em>After all, he no longer trusted himself. </em>
</p><p>He was falling apart; unravelling, and he knew it.</p><p>Under other circumstances, he would have chosen to seclude himself away; to take time in isolation to process everything and come to terms with it, with himself. To deal with the emotional and mental upheaval on his own, without the distractions of life intruding; in a way that would not risk him falling into a Qi Deviation from how horribly unbalanced this whole situation had left him.</p><p>But Wangji had given up; was slipping away, and Xichen would not – <em>could not </em>– lose him.</p><p>
  <em>Not now; not ever. </em>
</p><p>So he forced himself to keep going; to keep returning to the Jingshi day after day, to tend to his brother whenever he could. To lead his Sect; to keep on working through his grief, and guilt, and disillusionment.</p><p>Every day, his rage and hate burned that much stronger.</p><p>One day soon, he feared it would burn him up completely; and there would be nothing left of him.</p><p>
  <em>Perhaps it was fitting, then, that he meet the same end his first love and truest friend had, and die from a Qi Deviation after all. </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p><b>Prompt 1 Details:</b><br/>Give me super ominous eldritch small hellchild Lan Zhan who freaks out the elders of his clan by questioning the ideas of good and evil, the rules, orthodoxy itself. Who goes "fuck the rules" on a regular basis. Who is out here judging them for every bit of hypocrisy, and isn't afraid to call them out savagely in public.<br/>He looks at them like he sees all the skeletons in their closets (he does) and knows all the sins they will commit (he does). He seems to know way too much in general, and is way too skilled but they tested for all kinds of possession and have concluded that he was simply put there to scare the living daylights out of them.<br/>Tiny Lan Zhan yearning for his Wei Ying. Hoping he is safe and cared for, planning strategies to go see him. Worrying. Scheming. Kicking ass.<br/>Bonus: Lan Zhan finding out from rumor that wwx was only recently taken in by the Jiangs and lived on the streets before that _or_ Lan Zhan recognizing street rat Wei Ying and insisting on taking him home.<br/>Wwx also having time-travelled to the same age so they can be two horror children scheming together.<br/>Lan Xichen getting to grow up less burdened by having to raise his brother, and Lan Zhan protecting him from the elders who are pushing and criticising him too harshly.<br/>Lan Mom lives.<br/>Little Lan Zhan should kill some people. I just think tiny white-robed Lan Zhan would look really cool knifing some adult evildoer. Also, blackmail! He could blackmail some people into helping him shape the future (or just stop being mean to xichen, get off his back about basic lessons, stuff like that. Ideally I would want Lan Zhan to win himself at least a moderate amount of influence in the clan early on).<br/>Lan Xichen whenever someone questions why his brother is Like This, being just like "ah my precious Didi, nothing odd about him, why?"<br/>Lan Zhan's fellow disciples thinking he is the coolest person to ever exist for messing with/arguing with the elders and supporting him. Lwj friends agenda.<br/>DNW: If you add wwx (esp non time-travelled wwx) please let him also kick ass and be a genius and be awesome instead of having lwj solve all his problems for him and drag him around like a cheerful albeit pointless balloon. Give him agency. Have Lan Zhan listen to and value him.<br/>Though some people might guess something like prophetic dreams, I wouldn't want lwj to actually reveal to anyone that he is a time traveller. Except to wwx. Plus have LZ actually be able to change some things, him being completely helpless stuck as a kid would be too depressing. </p><p>&lt;&gt;<br/>Let’s face it: Wei Wuxian is a terrible actor. His idea of staying incognito by impersonating Mo Xuanyu involved doing flute-based demonic cultivation while dressing in his own signature red-and-black colors, and hanging off LWJ while calling him a name that literally no-one else uses.<br/>So I want a fic where he time-travels back into his child/teenage body and decides to keep it all a secret (he doesn’t want to burden anyone else with his future knowledge, he’ll personally make whatever self-sacrifices are necessary to fix things, etc. etc.)...but he's hilariously unconvincing at pretending to be his normal, past self.<br/>Optional ideas for what this might look like:<br/>* He's just constantly talking about things that haven’t happened, because with his notoriously bad memory, he gets mixed up about what happened in which timeline.<br/>* Extra bonus points if he says “When I was your age…” to people who are clearly older than him and then does a really bad job of playing it off as a joke.<br/>* He vacillates between acting suspiciously less competent than actual actual young WWX was (because he’s trying to base how good his skills should be at that age off other disciples) and suspiciously way more competent.<br/>* Extra bonus points if he’s too young to have developed a strong golden core and weirds people out by doing more powerful magic than he should be capable of (by making up the difference with resentful energy).<br/>* He decides to try to ease people into the whole demonic cultivation thing by showing off some helpful, low-key usages. However, it turns out that pretty much any level of necromancy is unsettling to most people.<br/>Basically, it should be incredibly obvious to everybody that something is up with this kid, even if not everyone is going to make the leap to time-travel as the something. Is he just a mentally unstable cultivation prodigy? Is he some kind of demon child? Who knows!<br/>Canon version: Any<br/>Notes Canon-typical violence and character death are fine, but I'd prefer a happy ending. If you want WangXian without an age gap, LWJ can time-travel too. Any other background ships are fine.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Arc One: Chapter Two - Nie Huaisang, Part One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Nie Huaisang has a plan.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is the second of five introductory chapters before LWJ travels back in time. Each of these chapters is largely introspective, and focuses on the people who will be performing the ritual; going over their thoughts and reasons for performing it, as well as providing some world-building and establishing the mind-frames of the people involved. </p><p>Again; it's angsty - but it's a pretty angsty situation all around until LWJ actually goes back and starts making changes; where he can see that he's genuinely able to make a difference and regains his ability to hope. </p><p>There are mentions of MPreg being a highly-unlikely-but-not-<i>entirely</i>-non-existent possibility in this AU; it's brief and you can ignore it if you dislike that kind of thing. There won't <i>actually</i> be any MPreg in this; <i>if</i> I do decide to write any MPreg for this series it would <i>only</i> be as a separate side-fic written after the main series is complete. So no worries there; it only gets mentioned b/c Huaisang is ruminating on Sizhui's biological parentage.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>If you battle monsters</em><br/>
<em>You don't always become a monster. </em><br/>
<em>But you're not entirely human anymore, either.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>--- Jonathan Maberry </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Everyone carries around his own monsters. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>--- Richard Pryor</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>Huaisang was nervous as he climbed the stairs to the entrance of the Cloud Recesses. Nervous, guilty – and in truth, also very heartsick and ashamed.</p><p>His victory over Jin Guangyao was irrevocably tainted by the death of Lan Sizhui – a boy he was actually rather fond of; as much as he had <em>allowed</em> himself to be fond of <em>anyone</em> since he realised the truth of his brother's death. All the fondness he’d felt for quite some time now was reserved for the dead. In the end, no matter how much he had always loved Lan Xichen, his complicity – however unknowing and unintentional – in Da-ge's death had darkened and twisted that love with bitter, helpless resentment.</p><p>No, Huaisang had closed his heart off as much as he could; unable to trust almost anyone anymore, and unwilling to lose any of those few people he still held dear.</p><p>Loving <em>more</em> people would simply open him up to further pain.</p><p>And Nie Huaisang had <em>never</em> been very fond of pain.</p><p>Yet he had always been weak; sensitive and soft-hearted. However cold and calculating he became in the aftermath of Da-ge's death; deep inside his heart still always bled.</p><p>Grief and guilt had become his constant companions as he wove his schemes; every time he closed his eyes and looked the other way while innocents died, or manipulated pitiful people and tragic circumstances for his own benefit, he hated himself just a little bit more. It was an unfortunate necessity; he could not save them, and trying would only have made him a target to Jin Guangyao. His only consolation at such times was that when he finally succeeded, they would all be avenged along with his Da-ge.</p><p>But those people were all faceless strangers – at most, people he'd known in passing, but was not <em>personally</em> familiar with.</p><p>Sizhui was <em>different</em>.</p><p>He'd actually <em>known</em> Sizhui as the young Lan grew up.</p><p>Little A-Yuan; the small boy whom the peerless Hanguang-jun had scandalously claimed as his own son after Wei-xiong's death. Looked after by his Uncle when his father was unavailable due to seclusion.</p><p>Seclusion that Huaisang had deduced was not <em>quite</em> as voluntary as the Lan Sect tried to portray. Just as he'd deduced that A-Yuan was <em>not</em> <em>actually</em> Lan Wangji's biological child – <em>despite</em> the man’s insistence to the contrary.</p><p>A-Yuan's existence was kept from the world at large for a couple of years past his introduction to his father's sect; as the Lan Elders were incandescent with fury at the loss of face that would come with the revelation of the esteemed Hanguang-jun having a child outside of marriage. If they had gotten their way, he would have simply been folded in amongst their youngest sect members as an orphan without close family. The delay in revealing his existence was due to their repeated efforts to force Hanguang-jun to renounce his claim of being A-Yuan's father. No matter how hard they tried to convince him otherwise, he refused to recant his claim that the child was his; steadfastly insisting that the love of his life had birthed him.</p><p>While a sufficient level of dual cultivation between two men with powerful golden cores <em>could</em> result creating a child between under certain, <em>not-at-all-</em>well-understood circumstances; such things were quite rare and it was said to be very difficult to accomplish. Not least because the rarity of the phenomenon made it difficult to confirm exactly <em>what</em> even made it possible in the first place. The only reason it was not considered an outright myth was that one of the very few cases in historical record was that of Lan An and his infamous Fated One.</p><p>With one of the original Five Great Sects being ruled by the descendants of such a union, and Lan An’s meticulous record-keeping – which extended to chronicling his partner's pregnancy, birth, and raising their children – it was impossible to ignore the fact that it had happened to at least one such couple. Therefore the other rare cases it was recorded to have occurred simply provided confirmation.</p><p>Lan An was still the only cultivator known to have had more than one child this way, however.</p><p>For all that it was <em>technically</em> possible that Lan Wangji <em>could have </em>cultivated a child with a man, Huaisang doubted that had <em>actually</em> been the case. And <em>not</em> because he thought the Lan had had a child with a woman.</p><p>Wei-xiong was the only person Huaisang had ever noticed the Second Jade looking at <em>that way</em>, and it was unlikely that he could have successfully hidden a pregnancy and subsequent birth during the Sunshot Campaign.</p><p>Even if <em>that</em> had been possible; there was also the small matter of his suspicion that Wei-xiong had had an encounter with the Core-Melting Hand at some point during his three-month absence.</p><p>Something he <em>still</em> felt guilty about not mentioning to Da-ge.</p><p>At first he kept quiet because he wasa trying to respect Wei-xiong's privacy; wanting to speak with his once-friend about it before saying anything to anyone else, but not knowing how to bring it up. He was also assuming the man would admit to it if necessary to clear rumours and accusations of his wicked tricks, and the corresponding lack of morals attributed to his unorthodox cultivation practices, should said whispering start to get too bad.</p><p>Later on, before he knew what was happening, Wei-xiong had been villainized so much that the news of him not having a core would not have helped him; with the way he holed himself up in the Burial Mounds with the Wen Remnants under his protection, it likely would have only put him at greater risk.</p><p>Overall, he didn't believe that Wei Wuxian had given birth to A-Yuan; which meant that Lan Wangji had <em>not</em> sired him.</p><p>Admittedly, he <em>did</em> believe that the Lan Sect heir had claimed him as the last remnant of his lost love – but <em>that</em> meant that the little toddler was one of the people Wei-xiong had been protecting in the Burial Mounds; which meant that <em>before</em> he’d been living in the Burial Mounds he'd been<em> living in a prison camp.</em> A Wen, yes – but also<em> a <strong>toddler</strong></em>.</p><p>Thinking about <em>that</em> made Huaisang's gut clench in a sick sort of way; especially when he remembered <em>Da-ge </em>had been at the siege of the Burial Mounds. So he did simply his best never to think about it at all.</p><p>He'd met Xichen's nephew before Da-ge's death; when he hadn't yet cut himself off from caring about people. The boy had been very small, and hadn’t been particularly close to Huaisang – especially when he began distancing himself from everyone – but he <em>was</em> fond of the child. He had been quite charmed by him; almost always seeking him out when he visited Cloud Recesses to pat him on the head and offer him a candy, showing the boy his newest fan and asking after his latest art project.</p><p>Being the sweet person he was; even at such a young age as A-Yuan was when the Nie used to stop in and see him, he always <em>ooh</em>-ed and <em>ahh</em>-ed appropriately and satisfactorily over the then-heir's latest acquisition. He actually really enjoyed art – something Huaisang suspected was carried over from his subconscious memories of who Huaisang suspected had been his former parent; though he would never breathe a word to anyone of his suspicions about the boy's origins – and as such, was always very admiring of anything Huaisang wanted to show him.</p><p>There was also his nascent talent as a budding artist to consider – for his age he was quite skilled, and Huaisang was keen to see how that talent was developed as he grew.</p><p>Having an uncomplicated, honest appreciation shown for his passions and creations made the Nie more fond of Lan Wangji's son than he usually was of young children. Not that he <em>disliked</em> children; they were more often than not fairly adorable, and he always enjoyed nice-looking things.</p><p>
  <em>Adorable though they might be; they were also generally <strong>loud</strong>, <strong>messy</strong>, and <strong>demanding</strong>. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>A younger Huaisang had always felt that there was really only room for <strong>one</strong> spoiled brat in his general vicinity; and that brat was <strong>him</strong>. Though he might consider himself to be somewhat fond of small children in the abstract; he <strong>preferred</strong> to be fond of them <strong>from a distance</strong>. </em>
</p><p>Xichen's nephew was a special case, since he met the four year old when Xichen was taking care of him, and therefore made more of an effort to be friendly with the tyke than normal.</p><p>A-Yuan did the rest of the charming by being himself; he was actually quite sweet and well-behaved. Not to mention his love for art; which was what initially caused Huaisang to take to him as much as he did.</p><p>To keep his nephew occupied when he did not have lessons, Xichen-ge often encouraged Sizhui to learn to draw and paint.</p><p>Mastering that skill was necessary for one to be considered a master of the Six Arts, after all; and Er-ge enjoyed painting himself. So it made sense that he would encourage A-Yuan to try to develop a talent for it.</p><p>There was also calligraphy practice, of course; but when he realised how much the boy enjoyed creating artwork, it made sense for him to use the opportunity to engage in that particular activity as an incentive to behave.</p><p>So it was that Huaisang and Lan Yuan met; and the tiny Lan wormed his small way into Huaisang's heart.</p><p>Though he eventually phased himself out of A-Yuan's life as the boy got older and Huaisang became consumed with his plotting, he never forgot the endearing way the boy called him<em> “Sang-gege",</em> or the sweet, shy little smile that he wore when he offered Huaisang the very first painted fan he ever painted as a present.</p><p>Eventually, Sizhui seemed to forget how attached he'd once been to Huaisang, and knew him only as “Sect Leader Nie". It made it easier to set aside his lingering attachment to Er-ge's nephew for the sake of his plans when he thought of the boy as ‘<em>Sizhui’</em> rather than <em>‘A-Yuan'</em>; he could almost forget that they were the same person. But Huaisang never forgot his tiniest friend, and could never entirely erase his lingering fondness for him.</p><p>Knowing the kid he'd once cared about was now dead was painful; and bearing even just a part of the blame for the boy's death hurt him in ways he’d thought he was no longer capable of being hurt.</p><p>Which was, in the end, part of <em>why</em> he was here now.</p><p>Oh, he probably would have ended up here to discuss his idea sooner or later anyway; but it was a long shot, and before the discovery of Wen Ning’s continued existence, one that he was quite certain would never be possible to even <em>try</em>.</p><p>In part, this was also because the only person he knew who might have a chance of pulling it off was Hanguang-jun; a man so righteous he had earned the title of “Light-Bringer" in the midst of a bloody war. And the amount of time he had devoted to studying this particular possibility told him that only a truly righteous person could even attempt it; there was no possible way around that.</p><p>So he had resigned himself to the impossibility of it, knowing that the Second Jade would never abandon the son he'd claimed, not even for his own gain. The possibility of disposing of Sizhui in order to motivate him had only ever occurred to Huaisang once; the fact that he could have ever even had the thought in the first place was enough to make him violently ill. Not simply because he was fond of the young Lan, though that <em>was</em> part of it – not even the fact that he was a child; though <em>that</em> was part of it as well – the main source of his horror was how much the very <em>idea</em> of doing so would make him like Jin Guangyao in the worst ways.</p><p>Sizhui, after all, was not on Jin Guangyao’s radar.</p><p>To endanger or arrange the death of a child who would otherwise be safe – from any danger beyond that faced by the average Lan Sect disciple, that is – was a line that Huaisang could not bring himself to cross.</p><p>Bittersweet as it was, he was forced to settle for avenging Da-ge and publicly distracting Jin Guangyao; along with resurrecting Wei-xiong and clearing his name.</p><p>Hanguang-jun, at least, would have his happy ending.</p><p>Wei-xiong as well; while A-Yuan would get his other parent back.</p><p>If Huaisang could not have a truly happy ending himself, he could at least arrange for some happiness for a few of the people he still cared for at all.</p><p>Everything was in place; Mo Xuanyu performed the sacrifice ritual… but Wei-xiong didn't answer.</p><p>Knowing that the demonic cultivator would have been forced to accept the sacrifice if there was anything salvageable left of his soul; that failure could only mean that Wei-xiong's soul was truly, completely destroyed.</p><p>Another reason for Huaisang to hate Jin Guangyao.</p><p>Left to scramble madly to rearrange his plans to account for Wei-xiong's absence, he was unable to completely conceal his role from those involved in the unravelling of the lies and deceptions of the Jin Sect Leader; even as he once again mourned for his long-lost friend.</p><p>Yet even though he'd been forced to improvise; to utilise contingency plans and alter several of his moves, he had never actually suspected that one of the children might be killed in the fallout. He was not a monster, and he had been careful to minimize any risks to them. The failure of his intentions to keep any of them – but Sizhui especially – from too much danger was a very bitter pill to swallow.</p><p>Despite the way that the events that had taken place now rendered his discarded plan feasible, and despite the way that they had utterly shattered Er-ge's delusions about Jin Guangyao's true nature in a way that even incontrovertible proof could not have done otherwise; Huaisang had nothing but regret and disappointment that things had turned out that way. It hurt far more than he ever could have imagined it would, and the guilt he felt was suffocating.</p><p>For the first time in a long time, Huaisang truly hated himself.</p><p>So there was no happiness; no eagerness or excitement anywhere in his heart as he approached the entrance to the Cloud Recesses. Only misery.</p><p>Desperate, aching hope as well, yes; but not for the possibility of saving his Da-ge.</p><p>Instead, that was only an addition to his primary goal.</p><p>Absently exchanging greetings with the guards and waiting for permission to enter, he anxiously sought only one thing–</p><p><em> –Atonement</em>.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Arc One: Chapter Three - Lan Qiren, Part One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A confrontation between Lan Qiren and the Head Shaker does not go the Lan expected it to. </p><p>The beginning of a plan is laid out; but Nie Huaisang gets side tracked by the opportunity to at long last speak up in an old friend's defense.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Okay - first; I'm sorry this is a week late; I've had both writer's block and health issues kicking my butt lately. </p><p>Second; some of this might come across as LQR bashing, a bit? I'll explain a bit of my reasoning for some of the things in the end notes. </p><p>Third; I am <i>not</i> happy with this chapter. Editing it was incredibly hard; I just couldn't seem to make it flow, and I honestly hate the way it turned out. I may end up going back and re-editing it later on; for now, it just feels like bashing my head against a brick wall, but I wasn't sure how to convey a lot of the information in it by rewriting it entirely. (Again.) Let me know if anyone has any suggestions?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There were several times in his life where Qiren had felt like he was far too old; that he'd lived too long, and part of him regretted that he’d lived to see the events which caused him to feel that way.</p><p>Events like the burning of Cloud Recesses; like his brother’s death – or even much earlier; when Qingheng-jun had abandoned his newborn children to a panicking Qiren’s inexperienced care, one after the other.</p><p>Like the Sunshot Campaign; or even Wei Wuxian's fall from grace – although <em>that</em> particular event was hardly unexpected to <em>him</em>; he had never imagined <em>just</em> <em>how far</em> his one failed student would someday fall – not to mention <em>Wangji's</em> own shocking fall from righteousness afterwards; or worse, the cause of it.</p><p>Witnessing his <em><strike>son</strike></em> nephew defy and fight against thirty-three of their sect’s Elders, all to protect that evil, despicable demonic cultivator; watching his own flesh and blood be punished with thirty-three lashes from the discipline whip for that offense – yet <em>still</em> refuse to bow his head and repent! Sending that same nephew into involuntary seclusion; only to have him <em>publicly claim</em> an illegitimate child shortly afterwards.</p><p>Learning far too late the truth of the Jins’ depravity; the innocence of the slaughtered Wens; the truth about Wei Wuxian’s guilt being less serious – not <em>untrue</em>, or in any way a <em>small</em> matter; but still less – than they had previously believed.</p><p>Many things left Qiren feeling lost and alone and burdened; many times he felt too overcome to continue.</p><p>Yet continue he did, for there was no other choice.</p><p>And now...</p><p><em>Now</em>, his grandnephew was dead.</p><p>Lan Qiren had endured many trials without complaints, faced many hard decisions without flinching. He carried many regrets and had lost many things; but none so devastating as this most recent loss.</p><p>His grief was like a living thing; snarling and wounded in his chest. Raking its claws over his heart repeatedly; daily. All he could do right now was forcibly confine it to the deepest recesses of his soul and gather all his remaining strength to look after his nephews, as he had always done to the best of his ability.</p><p>
  <em>Heavens knew they needed it. </em>
</p><p>Though there might be precious little he could do for them right now; precious little comfort he could offer them – but taking on as many of their duties as he could, giving them time and space to grieve, and shielding them from any further upsets were all methods of assistance he could and would offer to his boys. <em>Gladly</em>.</p><p>Knowing their self-sacrificing tendencies, he had no intention of asking them if they needed him to do so – he would simply assume the workload without discussion; carrying whatever he could until they were back on their feet. Doing whatever he could to make their burdens easier to bear while they faltered beneath the weight of their mutual grief.</p><p>And if the snake who led the Qinghe Nie Sect thought he could just come in here and visit <em>Qiren's <strike>sons</strike></em> nephews; like his scheming hadn't already gotten another member of <em>Qiren’s family <strong>killed</strong>...</em></p><p><strong><em>Well</em></strong>.</p><p>Qiren would simply have to correct that assumption. He would correct it <em>immediately</em>.</p>
<hr/><p>“Nie-zhongzhu.”</p><p>Qiren didn't bother to moderate his tone at all; instead choosing to infuse it with every last drop of censure and disapproval he could muster.</p><p>Which was, in fact,<em> a great deal </em>of censure and disapproval. He’d had decades of oft-times unruly students on which to practice, after all.  </p><p>“Ah, Lan-laoshi; what a surprise!” Nie Huaisang exclaimed, looking discomfited to be faced with the elder man rather than the much more genial Zewu-jun. The startled expression on his face when he first entered the room and saw who was there to greet him was not hidden quite quickly enough to prevent Qiren from noticing it; and upon being confronted with his old teacher's unforgiving presence, he appeared to be fighting off flashbacks to his own student days.</p><p>Some small, mean, petty part of him which the older man usually pretended did not exist purred in vindictive pleasure at the sight.</p><p>“Would Nie-zhongzhu mind sharing with me just what has brought his esteemed personage to the Cloud Recesses?”</p><p>Despite the phrasing, it was very much <em>not</em> a question.</p><p>Nie Huaisang <em>paled</em>.</p><p>“<em>Ahaha</em>, uh, that is…” he stuttered.</p><p>Qiren raised an imperious eyebrow and waited.</p><p>The Nie cleared his throat.</p><p>“Lan-Laoshi, I’m here to speak to Lan-zhongzhu about a matter of grave importance to us both.”</p><p>“And that matter is…?”</p><p>Setting his jaw, the younger man answered firmly, “I'm afraid I can only explain it once I've discussed it with Lan-zhongzhu.”</p><p>Qiren’s eyes narrowed at the man standing across the room.</p><p>“Forgive me, Nie-zhongzhu; but the last time any of my nephews were involved with one of your plans, they <em>both</em> ended up <em>broken</em> in different ways, and my grandnephew ended up <em>dead</em>.”</p><p>Nie Huaisang's own eyes narrowed in response.</p><p>“Forgive <em>me</em>, Lan-laoshi,” he hissed, with surprising venom.</p><p>“But the events which broke Lan Wangji took place <em>thirteen years ago</em>, and <em>you and your elder nephew</em> bear the responsibility for <em>that</em>. The child you call <em>your</em> grandnephew was only named so after you <em>allowed</em> Lan Wangji to keep the <em>one, singular reason</em> he still had to live, after <em>mercilessly slaughtering</em> that child's family like a pack of <em>murderous savages; </em>and he was <em>only</em> ever <em>able</em> to be killed because <em>your older nephew chose to play <strong>puppet</strong> to a <strong>psychopath!</strong></em> All <em>I</em> did was expose the atrocities <em>you yourselves </em>gladly committed, and <em>force you </em>to face the monstrous things <strong><em>you</em></strong><em> became of <strong>your own free will!</strong>” </em></p><p>Reeling back from the unexpected confrontation from someone he had never taken seriously; even after learning of all the events he’d orchestrated, Qiren's face whitened.</p><p>The usual meek and non-confrontational ‘Head-Shaker’ was nowhere in evidence in the bitter man who stood before him, and it was so at odds with the persona the other had long portrayed that it threw him decidedly off-balance. He opened his mouth to snap back; to regain the upper hand, but the Nie Sect Leader barrelled on, refusing to give him an inch.</p><p>“<em>You</em> are the reason your younger nephew has <em>nothing</em> to live for; <em>you</em> are the reason for the scars he bears on his back and in his heart. <em>You put them there with your own two hands! </em>You have <em>no right </em>to call Wen Yuan <em>your</em> grandnephew when you only ever approached him with your hands <em>drenched in the blood of his innocent family,</em> and <em>never</em> felt a shred of remorse for your crimes! <em>You</em> are the one who raised your older nephew to be <em>blind, deaf, and dumb </em>to injustice and immorality; and <em>stupidly, unendingly obedient to the will of anyone who wished to use him and his authority</em> – all because <em>you</em> always intended that <em>the one using him would be yourself! </em>That the psychopath who killed A-Yuan was <em>able</em> to do so <em>at all</em> is therefore, <em>entirely your fault!”</em></p><p>Qiren flinched.</p><p>
  <em>You know he's right. </em>
</p><p>The whisper in his mind was one he typically ignored; disregarding it non matter what it said with the ease of long practice. It was always critical; always making him uneasy and uncomfortable, ashamed and guilty. Worst of all, it always sounded just like his dearly-despised late sister-in-law.</p><p>So Qiren had never deigned to pay it much attention, no matter what it said.</p><p>But <em>this</em> was <em>different</em>.</p><p>Different, because as much as he hadn't meant for things to turn out this way – for all that his intentions had not been nearly as bad as the Nie Sect Leader's words painted them... he was not <em>entirely</em> wrong, either.</p><p><em>Oh</em>, Qiren had not <em>wanted</em> to make Xichen a puppet leader. Had not wished to extend his own power through his nephew's reliance on him. But the Elders had cautioned him about the risks that could come from allowing Xichen to become too independent; between his father's foolishness and his mother's blood, it had seemed to be for the best that Xichen be moulded into a leader that would be easily swayed by their words. That he not become someone who would be willing to stand against them and their decisions; or make too many choices on his own, that might contradict the beliefs of their sect.</p><p>None of the careful conditioning he'd been raised with was meant to make his nephew vulnerable to a man like Jin Guangyao; simply mouldable and pliant to his Elders. Trusting of their decisions and their inherent righteousness when his own thoughts fell into conflict with theirs.</p><p>As underhanded as it seemed, Qiren had only ever agreed to it in the hope of saving his precious nephew from following in the footsteps of his father or mother.</p><p>All he ever wanted was for his <em><strike>children</strike></em> nephews to be safe, and good, and happy.</p><p>Somehow, everything he'd done had backfired on them all. It had backfired so, <em>so</em> terribly.</p><p>Faltering at the accusation, he breathed shakily as he sought to defend himself by acknowledging both the truth and the falsehood in the words the other man spat at him.</p><p>Bowing his head in shame, he could only admit, “It is true that my choices left him open to Jin Guangyao's manipulations; but that was never my intent! I only ever sought to ensure he would not repeat his parents’ mistakes! To ensure that he would not act hastily, and that he would be persuaded from any unsavoury course of action by the words and counsel of his Elders; that he would not waver from the path of righteousness!”</p><p>Mouth twisted in a bitter expression, he added, “I wish I could undo it, but I cannot. All I can do is try to atone. My actions may have caused my nephews pain, despite all my best intentions otherwise; but I <em>will not </em>allow you to come in here and cause them further pain with your resentment!”</p><p>A sharp, scornful laugh answered him.</p><p>“Lan-laoshi,” Nie Huaisang spoke, gazing at him with dark, unforgiving eyes. “I have no intention of causing Xichen-ge any further pain. I do not resent him for the foolishness he was <em>trained</em> to possess; I only pity him. He has no idea how deep the betrayals against him run, after all. Or should I say – he <em>had</em> no idea.”</p><p>Dread filled Qiren's heart, a horrible suspicion blooming in his mind.</p><p>Suddenly, he was reminded of the two attendants who had accompanied the Nie Sect Leader; both of whom were dismissed before he'd entered the room to meet with his former teacher.</p><p>The way the door behind the Nie opened seemed to validate his fears, as both his nephews stood there, accompanied by the Nie attendants; white-faced and horrified as they looked at him with betrayal writ across their expressions.</p><p>Eyes slipping shut, he could not bear to answer the accusations in their gazes.</p><p>It seemed he had been well and truly played.</p><p>“Shufu,” whispered Xichen.</p><p>The wounded, broken tone in which the man called out to him made him flinch.</p><p>He couldn't bring himself to respond.</p>
<hr/><p>There was a tense silence in the room.</p><p>Nothing had been resolved; the chasm that had opened between the three Lans had never been wider.</p><p>Wangji in particular was filled with a cold, implacable fury.</p><p>Only the reminder from Nie Huaisang that he had called them all together for a purpose had broken the stand off between them, and led them all to sit with one another; setting aside the revelation of Xichen's deliberately manipulative upbringing for later.</p><p>“I think it's safe to say that none of us are happy with the way things have turned out,” he said. “This ending... none of us can accept it.”</p><p>“What is done cannot be undone,” Qiren replied. “There is no way to change the past.”</p><p>“And if I say there is?”</p><p>The words fell between them like stones into a still pond; the implications rippling out between them. Qiren opened his mouth to protest; to refute the idea of perverting the natural order in such a way, but upon seeing the look on Wangji's face he fell silent.</p><p>Perhaps it was time he start listening <em>before</em> making up his mind.</p><p>“There is a way,” the Nie continued. “It is an array to allow Time Travel; created by Wei Wuxian.”</p><p>A sharp inhalation of breath came from Wangji, as he focused on Nie Huaisang with desperate intent.</p><p>“It is genuine time travel; one who uses it would unravel the fabric of time and travel back; they would unmake the world and unwind it to an earlier point in time. There would be consequences, however; and could only be used under very specific circumstances, by a very specific type of person. Which is why no one has ever used it, including Wei Wuxian himself.”</p><p>“You're being deliberately vague,” Xichen cut in. His voice was hoarse, and his eyes were rimmed in red. He still had not looked at Qiren since he'd entered the room.</p><p>“Please, A-Sang, just… say what you mean. Please.”</p><p>“I'm sorry,” the Nie replied. His eyes were filled with compassion and sympathy as he looked at Qiren's oldest nephew, and it eased the elder slightly to know that at least the man was genuine in his assertion that he bore no ill-feelings towards Xichen.</p><p>“I didn't mean to- that is; it's difficult to explain.” He drew in a breath, pausing for moment as he considered his words.</p><p>“This ritual involves travel through the Spirit Plane; it requires a cultivator to awaken one of the ancient gifts. To become a Sentinel or Guide; in order to cross the barriers of time and space through the Spirit Realm and achieve true time travel. The requirements for a person to do so are very strict – a pure soul and a righteous heart; a life lived in service to others, protecting the innocent and defending the weak, without seeking any personal gain. I can't think of anyone who might be able to accomplish it other than the one person Wei-xiong himself considered might be worthy – that is, Hanguang-jun.”</p><p>“Wei Ying… thought of me?”</p><p>In Wangji's eyes there lay a sort of vulnerability that hurt Qiren to witness. Once again, he silently cursed the Yiling Patriarch for the pain he'd caused Qiren's younger nephew.</p><p>“Yes; he wrote as much in the notes about the ritual,” the Nie confirmed.</p><p>His gaze was filled with compassion and understanding as he met the younger Lan's eyes.</p><p>“Wei Ying would have been worthy,” Wangji asserted. “Why did he not attempt the ritual himself?”</p><p>“Ah,” Nie Huaisang blinked, looking startled.</p><p>“Because the ritual requires equal amounts of spiritual and resentful energy to be channelling into an array to complete it; he wouldn't have been able to do so.”</p><p>Qiren scoffed.</p><p>“His power was equal to Wangji's; it is obvious that he simply was not worthy!” he sneered.</p><p>Nie Huaisang's eyes narrowed.</p><p>“Obviously, Wei-xiong could not perform the ritual without a Golden Core!” he snapped.</p><p>All three of the Lans present reacted with shock and disbelief.</p><p>A startled cry left Wangji's lips, and he stared in horror at their visitor; pleading with his eyes for it to be a mistake.</p><p>“Huaisang,” Xichen leaned forward and spoke urgently. “Why do you say that?”</p><p>“I thought it was rather obvious,” the man explained, lips twisting in a bitter smile. “He was always so proud of his skills with a blade; and to no longer even carry his sword with him anywhere? It would be one thing to prefer his new cultivation and show it off at every opportunity – but to never use spiritual energy again, for anything at all? Not even to humiliate people like Jin Zixun who were inferior in skill to him in every way? To make a mockery of them for their attempts to deride him, in a way that no one would deny was deserved?”</p><p>He shook his head.</p><p>“After going missing for three months, and he never speaking about his experiences during that time; though rumours stated he had been captured by Wen Chao – who was no match for Wei-xiong's skills, even unarmed; but who always had the Core-Melting Hand at his side? When rumours claimed he'd been thrown into the Burial Mounds, and he came back wielding resentful energy in a way he could not have learned if he was merely imprisoned? When he himself stated he would not use resentful energy as long as he could cultivate the sword path?”</p><p>Bristling, Qiren could not hold his tongue.</p><p>“Lies! He clearly was considering using demonic cultivation even when he was a student here at fifteen!” he interjected.</p><p>Snorting, Nie Huaisang shot him a scornful glare.</p><p>“Even though he mentioned using resentful energy in classes here, it was just a theoretical exercise to him. A <em>possibility</em> that might be explored under <em>controlled circumstances</em>, to provide an alternative for <em>emergencies</em> to <em>save live</em>s when traditional methods were not available or effective! He had <em>no intention</em> of actually using it when spiritual energy was still available to him – he <em>told</em> me so <em>himself!</em>”</p><p>Another mocking laugh, and a shake of his head preceded further explanation from the Nie Sect Leader.</p><p>“I will never understand how no one else could see it – it was <em>so obvious!”</em></p><p>The stricken looks on the other men's faces at hearing that reasoning could not be withheld, even by their extraordinary discipline.</p><p>
  <em>Wei Wuxian… had not had a choice in leaving the orthodox path behind? </em>
</p><p>“Why did you never say anything?” whispered Xichen.</p><p>Huaisang snorted again.</p><p>“Would any of you have listened?”</p><p>He waved off any attempt they made to reply, adding, “During the war, it was obvious why he wouldn't explain it. Then afterwards, I assumed that he was only keeping it quiet until the Jiang Sect was in a strong enough position that they didn't need his reputation to support them anymore while they reclaimed their place as one of the Great Sects.”</p><p>Looking away, he added in a more subdued tone, “But then he was suddenly the most hated and reviled man in the Cultivation World, and publicizing the fact that he had no Golden Core would have made him vulnerable.”</p><p>With a shrug, he finished in a dispirited tone, “It wasn't like anyone would have listened to the opinion of the useless young master of the Nie Sect; so convincing anyone about his Golden Core would have been foolish without also being able to convince them that he was a good man, who would not have acted the way he did without a good reason.”</p><p>Almost inaudible, he whispered, “All I could do for my friend was hold my tongue, and urge Da-ge not to condemn him out of hand.”</p><p>The fragile, broken expression Wangji wore at the end of the Nie’s explanation tore at Qiren's heart.</p><p>Guilt was an emotion he refused to entertain often; it sat heavy on his shoulders.</p><p>A moment of silence passed as they all attempted to rearrange their understanding of the past with that new information.</p><p>“It still does not absolve Wei Wuxian from the crimes he committed; does not change the number of innocents he killed unjustly,” he said firmly, seeking to reassure himself.</p><p>The Nie Sect Leader shot him a sardonic look.</p><p>“My understanding was that Wei-xiong was defending himself – from Qionqi path to Nightless City, to the Seige of the Burial Mounds; wasn't it true that he only fought after others ambushed or attacked him, and declared their intention to kill him first? Were the ones he killed truly innocent if they struck first with intent to kill, or were they all killed in self-defence?”</p><p>The pause that followed his words was more than uncomfortable.</p><p>After all, it could hardly be denied that on each occasion he was villainized for, Wei Wuxian had only acted in response to an active, lethal threat.</p><p>“That ignores his part in the death of the young Madam Jin; his own shijie-" Qiren started, but was cut off.</p><p>“Jiang Yanli’s death was clearly an accident – and even then; wasn't it that she died because she chose to take a sword aimed at her shidi's back, rather than being killed by him? Since when is someone whose life is saved by another’s willing sacrifice considered responsible for killing them when they chose to sacrifice their own life all on their own to protect him?”</p><p>Silence fell once more, as the men gathered there tried to reconcile what they'd always believed about Wei Wuxian's guilt with the arguments Nie Huaisang had made. They could not refute the truth of his statements; yet admitting such was tantamount to saying that Wei Wuxian had committed no crimes at all.</p><p>It seemed impossible, but Qiren could not accept it.</p><p>“Even so, A-Sang, he still killed so many people… for one man to cause the deaths of so many…” Xichen began, but he was cut off as well.</p><p>“So many people were killed by him, yes; but they were all assembled to kill him first! <em>Of course</em> he killed them – he was <em>one man</em>, and there were <em>thousands of them! </em>He could not <em>afford</em> to be careful not to take any lives when he was forced to face an army alone; <em>all of them</em> intent on his death, and the deaths of those he was protecting!”</p><p>Spots of colour sat high on his cheeks as the Nie spoke passionately in defense of his fallen friend. It was obvious that he had been holding these feelings back silently for a very long time, and could do so no longer.</p><p>“Two of his dear friends had just been cruelly executed by the Jins – or in the case of Wen Ning, <em>supposedly</em> executed – and he <em>still</em> had the restraint not to strike first against those assembled against him!” he shouted.</p><p>“Even though the promise that had been made if they surrendered themselves was <em>clearly</em> being broken by the gathered sects all pledging to kill Wei-xiong and the innocents he was protecting! He <em>still</em> attempted to argue with them first; to reason and point out their dishonesty and lack of honour! And Even after they started the attack against him, <em>he still held back!</em> It wasn't until his Shijie was killed by the careless malevolence of those attempting to <em>murder</em> <em>him</em> that he lost control and unleashed the full power of the Tiger Seal!”</p><p>Panting, the man sat back, trembling with the force of his emotions.</p><p>“I am not saying that I think <em>everything</em> Wei-xiong did was right,” he explained, regaining his calm. “Or that he never made mistakes. I just don't believe he was ever <em>truly</em> in the wrong, either. He didn’t always handle things in the best way; but he always did the best he could at the time. No matter how many people he killed, none of it was unprovoked or completely unjustified. When faced with an army alone, what else could he do but everything he could to stop them? Even if there might have been a better way; at the time everything was happening, when would he have had the time to think of it? How could he have prepared for the sects to act so wickedly rather than behave with honour?”</p><p>No one answered him.</p><p>Considering the arguments he'd made and the questions he'd asked, none of the other three could think of any adequate replies. It was doubtful that Wangji would have wanted to, even if he could.</p><p>While Qiren could not accept One Huaisang's position, he found himself at a loss for the words to refute it properly. His head was swimming at the excess of information that had been discussed in this one afternoon.</p><p>From the way his nephews had been lured to the Yashi to overhear his conversation with the Nie Sect Leader by offering the promise of a way for them to save young Sizhui, to the possibility of time travel; the revelation that Wei Wuxian might have turned to demonic cultivation after losing his Golden Core, and the justifications for the actions of the Yiling Patriarch that made things much less black and white – it all felt like far, far too much.</p><p>
  <em>I really am much too old for this.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>About LXC's Upbringing:<br/>I honestly believe that this is why in canon, LXC was incredibly naive; especially considering that he was raised as a Sect Heir who would have to be able to navigate politics and deal with other sects.<br/>Now, I don't believe that LQR's motivations in going along with it would have been malicious - he would have seen raising LXC to trust in the wisdom of his Elders and listen to counsel as a good thing; something that would help prevent him from repeating his father's mistakes. He honestly wanted the best for his nephews; he just had a warped perspective on what that best was.<br/>I hope I managed to convey that in this - that he truly does love them deeply, even if he is bad at showing it; and that he's a deeply flawed, but fundamentally good-intentioned individual. </p><p>I also ended up going on my soapbox a bit about WWX's actions before his death, and whether or not any of them can truly be considered crimes. I just figured that an NHS who had realised his soul had been completely destroyed - especially after thinking he was going to be coming back - would have been a lot more upset over the injustices his friend had faced now that he knew WWX would never get a second chance to have a better fate.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Arc One: Chapter Four - Wen Ning, Part One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Wen Ning is resentful. He tries not to be, with limited success.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm sorry this is so late. I've been wrestling with bad depression for a while, and my productivity is very low as a result. I'm way behind on replying to comments as well, because human interaction gets overwhelming when I'm like this. But I appreciate every one of them deeply, even when I'm not really responding to them properly. ❤</p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <b>*Please Note!*</b>
  </p>
</div>There will be some pretty heavy character bias in this chapter - it's Wen Ning's POV, folks; and he's not happy. He's carrying around a lot of resentment, bitterness, grief, and rage; but there's no Wei-gongzi here to give him a lifeline and keep him from feeling completely alone - and no Sizhui to eventually give him back part of his family. Just the knowledge that he and his sister turned themselves over for nothing - WWX and the Wen Remnants were all killed, anyway; WWX's soul was too destroyed to be summoned back or reincarnated, ever; and that A-Yuan had survived all this time, but he died before Wen Ning had a chance to meet him again - killed by the same man who organized WWX's downfall, and helped with the slaughter of his family and even himself; all at the behest of JGS.<br/>So Wen Ning might seem more than a bit OOC here; but he's got cause, is what I'm saying.<br/>Even then, he's still keeping most of it internal, rather than lashing out - which IS Canon. For all that he was canonically one of the kindest, most gentle characters in MDZS; it's <i>also</i> Canon that he was the strongest, most resentful fierce corpse ever raised. All of that was just internalized; but he <i>chose</i> to try to look on the bright side and see the best in people, no matter what. That doesn't mean he never <i>felt</i> all the negative crap; he's human, not a god. It just means that he was a genuinely good person; so much so, that he was pure-hearted and self-controlled enough to keep a lid on it and rationalise his feelings into a better mindset.<br/>Right now he's just having a really hard time doing that. And it comes out a bit like character-bashing; both internal and out loud. Technically nothing he says is <i>wrong;</i> he's just looking at everything and everyone in the worst light possible right now. <p>This chapter also has mentions of an OC who will play a minor role eventually, in the third book of the trilogy. </p><p>There have been some changes made to the chapter count and story layout; I'll explain them in the end notes for this chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Wen Ning was a creature of resentment.</p><p>It seemed contradictory to those who knew him in life – even in death; those who spoke and interacted with him while he was in possession of his own mind could not deny that he seemed to be possibly the least resentful person alive – or <em>un-alive</em>, as was now a more accurate description.</p><p>Yet that did not change the fact that he was also the most powerful fierce corpse ever to rise.</p><p>Such overwhelming, powerful resentment did not simply come from <em>nowhere</em>.</p><p>He was a person who had always, <em>always</em> exercised self-control and restraint. <em>Not</em> doing so in Nightless City was liable to get him killed, after all. Growing up, he had always been afraid – for himself, for A-Jie, for their other family members. So he pushed down his negative feelings - his anger and hatred and bitterness and regret – pushed them down until he was all but choking on the resentment that became his constant companion.</p><p>Kind and gentle he might be – but that was only because <em>he</em> <em>chose</em> <em>to be</em> kind and gentle.</p><p>Because he looked at his extended family - at his cousins Wen Chao, Wen Xu, along with many other members of their sect; and over and over, he silently vowed,<em> “I will not be like them.” </em></p><p>Day after day, he forced himself to think of the good in humanity – however little of it had ever been extended <em>to him</em>, personally; however few <em>truly</em> <em>good</em> people he'd ever met – and remind himself how many of the faceless masses out there were innocent. Undeserving of being the target of anyone's rage or frustration; no doubt there were many good people among them, even if he never saw it. Pushing down his ever-growing inner resentment; stamping down on it firmly and refusing to give in to it at all.</p><p>Thinking of his jiejie, and reminding himself that everyone out there had someone who loved them like he did. Dwelling on how cold and unfeeling his sister appeared to others she was not close to; how it was all an act to protect him and herself.</p><p>Reminding himself every day that everyone likely had a reason to be the way they were; that even if they did bad things, that did not necessarily mean that <em>they themselves </em>were bad.</p><p>Forcing himself to be understanding, forgiving, and good; no matter what was done to him, no matter what he saw, never once giving in to the resentment in his heart.</p><p>Afraid to act – afraid of himself and who or what he might become if he ever started to indulge any of his darker thoughts or impulses; afraid that if he ever started he might never stop. Afraid to draw attention; to be noticed, or singled out – afraid of suffering the consequences of such; or of foolishly endangering his sister and himself.</p><p>All because he had never wanted to be a monster.</p><p>Even after he was resurrected as a fierce corpse; once Wei-gongzi gave him back his mind, he easily returned to his lifelong habit of suppressing his inner resentment.</p><p>No matter how dark the world had shown itself to be, there were still so <em>many</em> things; so many <em>people</em>, who proved that the world held goodness as well. And he had decided long ago that he would focus on the good, and value it above the bad; no matter how uneven the balance between them seemed to be. If there was very little good to be found, then that simply meant that what good <em>was</em> there should be treasured all the more for its scarcity.</p><p>It was a habit that had always served him well.</p><p>
  <em>Until now. </em>
</p><p>Now, when it felt as if there was <em>nothing</em> good left.</p><p>All his people, his family; his sister – gone. Long dead – murdered; butchered like animals, without mercy - their bodies disrespected, and his sister burned to ash.</p><p>Burned <em>alive</em>, and<em> screaming; </em>and <strong><em>it hAd</em></strong><em> <strong>MaDe HiM </strong></em><strong><span class="u">sO aNgRy</span><em>. </em></strong></p><p>Miraculously, there had been a survivor – little A-Yuan.</p><p>Had A-Yuan still lived, Wen Ning might not feel so unmoored; so ready to tear apart at the seams. But there was no use thinking about it; not when that last ray of hope had been so cruelly extinguished. One last laugh for Jin Guangyao; one last <em>Wen-dog </em>to die by his choices.</p><p>And <em>then</em> there was Wei-gongzi.</p><p>Pure, bright soul shredded beyond saving – utterly destroyed by the treachery and cruelty of the world.</p><p>Such was the fate of the best, brightest, bravest man Wen Ning had ever known.</p><p>Not a righteous man by any commonly-held moral standard – he drank, flirted, enjoyed pornography and gambling and indulging himself to excess. Teasing and joking even when it was inappropriate or sometimes tasteless; offensive and arrogant, proud and frequently dishonest – though his lies were generally for the benefit of others. Fond of pranks, vandalism, causing public disturbances and committing petty theft. With a sharp temper and insolent manner; improper, irreverent, disrespectful, <em>disgraceful</em>.</p><p>Yet he was also <em>good</em>.</p><p><em>Undeniably, unfalteringly, unequivocally</em> good.</p><p>A man who had sacrificed <em>everything</em> he had for others, without ever expecting anything in return. Who always smiled; even in the darkest, most desperate place on earth. Who never stopped trying to do what he believed was <em>right</em>.</p><p>Who was a man of honour and integrity; for all his flaws and vices, a man who refused to ignore injustice or cruelty – who defended the innocent and protected the weak.</p><p>Wei Wuxian was the best man Wen Ning had ever known, and he loved him.</p><p>Loved him, and was honoured to be his friend.</p><p>Was not <em>in love with</em> him – at least, he didn't <em>think</em> so – but he respected and admired him like no one else. Wanted to help him, and be valued by him, and always be at his side.</p><p>Perhaps he <em>was</em> in love with him, a little – the thought of Wei-gongzi marrying someday had always made him a bit sad; because he worried that if that day ever came, then Wei-gongzi’s life might not have room in it for him any longer – but he didn't harbour any desire to <em>be</em> <em>with</em> his best friend in <em>that</em> <em>way</em>. He never had.</p><p>Though Wen Ning had always been strange like that – had never felt the kind of urges or desires other young men experienced. His sister had promised him there was nothing wrong with him – some people simply worked differently from others.</p><p>She herself had no desire for romantic attachments at all; though she <em>did</em> once have a lover.</p><p>What they had shared between them was more about comfort and companionship; pleasure and distraction, than anything like love.</p><p>Wen Mingxia had only loved one man – even after they were separated, and he threw away all the progress he'd been making towards becoming a better person; even after he reverted back to being cold and cruel, she never quite got over him. Instead, it hardened her heart and made her cynical in a way she had never been before.</p><p>A-Jie had been her friend; the only person she really trusted after she was forced into that sham of a marriage. But the relationship between the two young women had never involved feelings beyond friendship; not even when they shared their bodies with one another. It had simply been a way for them to draw comfort from each other physically and distract one another from all the misery in their lives.</p><p>In the end, that was something he could never really understand. Lust was something he never had experienced in life, and certainly never would in death.</p><p>Despite his inability to comprehend what his sister got out of such a relationship, he was grateful that A-Jie had had it - however briefly.</p><p>At least her friend made her happy while it lasted.</p><p>Although Wen Ning wasn't sure how this ritual Nie-zhongzhu had asked him to help with was going to work, he hoped that Lan Wangji would be willing to save Wen Mingxia from her fate, as well as the others. He could not stop her from suffering – her torment would not end until Wen Ruohan and Wen Chao were dead – but she did not deserve the fate she had suffered in the aftermath.</p><p><em>‘Perhaps I should tell him</em>,’ he mused, making his way through the halls of the Unclean Realm to the room where Nie-zhongzhu and his guests were waiting. ‘<em>Perhaps telling the Second Jade the tragic story of the woman who had birthed his son would move him.’ </em></p><p>Remembering how highly Wei-gongzi had always regarded Hanguang-jun; and considering that the man had rescued, sheltered, protected, and raised the last and most helpless of the Wens, Wen Ning allowed himself to hope that Wei-gongzi's faith had been justified.</p><p>So he would trust that Lan Wangji would still love his son; even after he learned who his father was and how he came to be born. That he would not judge Wen Mingxia for the position she had been forced into against her will, and would have compassion for someone who had been so abused.</p><p>Hopefully, knowing that she would most likely be willing to allow him to adopt her child; so long as she knew the boy would be loved and treated well, would serve as an enticement and not make him look down on her.</p><p>A-Yuan's mother deserved better than that.</p>
<hr/><p>An awkward silence filled the room, as the men who'd gathered there eyed one another suspiciously.</p><p>“Wei-gongzi would have said this was like a bad joke,” Wen Ning said abruptly, with a hint of melancholy wistfulness. “Four men and a fierce corpse go into a room together, and they all sit down to tea. What do they talk about?”</p><p>“Nothing,” Nie-zhongzhu answered. “It's a <em>dead</em> silence.”</p><p>Wen Ning gave him the closest approximation to a smile he could manage, and the sad, wistful smile on Nie-zhongzhu's own face told him he understood how the young man-turned-fierce corpse felt.</p><p>“We aren't here to talk about <em>Wei Wuxian,”</em> Lan Qiren cut in sharply; irritably.</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>Tilting his head just slightly to the left, Wen Ning gave him a blank look. “After all, we're planning to use <em>his</em> ritual. Why <em>shouldn't</em> we think of him at a time like this?”</p><p>Opening his mouth to issue a – no doubt, insulting – reply; the elder Lan appeared to think better of it, and closed his mouth with a snap. His jaw radiated tension from gritting his teeth.</p><p>But now Wen Ning was <em>angry</em>.</p><p><em>He was <strong>always</strong> angry these days</em>. <em>Control had never been so difficult. </em></p><p>“Wei-gongzi was the <em>best man I've ever known,”</em> he said, voice nearly a growl. “And you <em>will not</em> speak ill of him <em>now; <strong>not</strong> unless you <strong>want</strong> <strong>me to-</strong>" </em></p><p>“Alright!” Nie-zhongzhu cut in, looking alarmed. “That's enough of that for now; no one will be speaking badly about Wei-xiong here. I've already had a talk with them about this.”</p><p>Closing his eyes, Wen Ning forced the resentment surging beneath his skin back under control.</p><p>“Sorry,” he said, once he was sure he could speak normally again. He sounded tired; subdued even to his own ears. “I… have a hard time thinking of any reasons not to be resentful right now.”</p><p>A short, grating laugh punched its way out of him.</p><p>“Every single person who would have given me a reason to believe there was still good in the world is gone, you see. Murdered, by the so-called <em>righteous</em>.”</p><p>He watched with satisfaction as the barb struck home, and Lan Qiren flinched.</p><p>It was mean and petty of him. He couldn't bring himself to care.</p><p>There just didn't seem to be any point in holding himself back anymore.</p>
<hr/><p>“We should be able to finish the ritual this evening, so long as nothing else demands our attention,” Nie-zhongzhu was saying. “Unfortunately, with the current state of things in the Cultivation World and the fact that two of us are sect leaders, it’s likely that we will have to plan for interruptions. Particularly given the amount of resentful energy involved in performing the ritual.”</p><p>“No one will disturb us,” Wen Ning promised. “Jiang-zhongzhu will make sure of it.”</p><p>At Nie-zhongzhu's widened eyes, he hurriedly added, “He doesn't know what we're doing; but he's promised to make sure we're undisturbed – no matter what happens. And after the... <em>conversation</em> we had earlier, he'd be far too ashamed to break that promise.”</p><p>He couldn't quite keep the vicious satisfaction at remembering it out of his voice.</p><p>After all, Jiang Wanyin had owed himself, his sister, and the cultivators who'd assisted Wen Ning in his rescue and the retrieval mission for the then-heir of the Jiang Sect as well as his parents' bodies all an honour debt. A debt he then refused to acknowledge; even though it was only due to their actions that the Jiang Sect had not ceased to exist before the Sunshot Campaign had even begun.</p><p>If he had spoken before the other Sect Leaders; had admitted what they had done for him and what he and his sect owed them, none of them could have denied that his honour demanded he ensure they were not mistreated and render them aid.</p><p>Instead, he'd stated that those Wei-xiong managed to rescue should all be killed; even having seen that there was a toddler among them moments before. Had thrown his brother out of his sect rather than stand with him or risk being associated with him in any way by not parting without the publicity of a violent confrontation after Wei-xiong began protecting them. Had stood side-by-side with those who slandered, accused, and plotted against both his so-called brother and the very Wens who'd saved him; every single time they gathered together, without ever even making a token effort to defend any of them.</p><p>Stood by and watched Wen Qing burn, in spite of what she'd done for him. What she'd risked.</p><p>Had participated in the planning and execution of the siege of the Burial Mounds, and slaughtered the family of those he owed his life to; as well as the one to whom he owed his core. He had stabbed Wei-xiong; and Wen Ning <em>knew</em>, with bone-deep certainty, that that was the last, unendurable reason his friend had chosen to kill himself rather than try to fight any longer. That he had been so broken and betrayed his soul had <em>shattered</em>.</p><p>While the Wen may have promised Wei-xiong he would keep his secret, that had been before he understood how completely and utterly unworthy Jiang Wanyin was of his brother's love and devotion. And now there was no more reason to stay silent for his friend's sake.</p><p>Jiang Wanyin deserved to know <em>exactly</em> how much of a disgusting, worthless disgrace he was as a person.</p><p>“…I didn't realise you and Jiang-zhongzhu were on such good terms,” Nie-zhongzhu said. Curiosity filled his tone. Wen Ning shrugged stiffly.</p><p>“We're not,” he answered. “I just enlightened him as to <em>who</em>, exactly, he owes his golden core and the continued existence of his sect to.”</p><p>If he sounded a bit smug, no one could blame him.</p><p>“…That sounds like something I should know,” Nie-zhongzhu stated, eyes fixed on him. “Or at the very least, like maybe Lan Wangji should know it, before we do the ritual.”</p><p>Blinking in confusion, Wen Ning stared at him.</p><p>“But I thought you already knew…?”</p><p>“No,” Nie-zhongzhu asserted. “I don't. Won't you enlighten me, Wei-gongzi?”</p><p>Hesitating only for a moment, Wen Ning made his mind, and nodded.</p><p>“After the massacre of Lotus Pier, Jiang Wanyin went back for his parents' bodies and was captured. His core was melted. Wei-gongzi went after him, and I ran into him; since I came as soon as I heard, hoping I could help him. Once he realised I hadn't been part of the massacre, and was there to help him, he asked me to rescue Jiang Wanyin and his parents' bodies. Which I did. I brought them to Yiling, and my sister helped me hide and heal them.”</p><p>When he didn't add anything else, Nie-zhongzhu prompted him. “That… doesn't explain how he got his golden core back.”</p><p>“Oh, he didn't,” Wen Ning answered. “Once a golden core is destroyed, you can't get it back. But my sister once wrote a theoretical paper on a procedure she came up with for transferring a golden core from one cultivator to another, and Wei-gongzi was very persuasive.”</p><p>Dead flesh twisted in a parody of a cold smile.</p><p>“Knowing what had happened to Jiang Wanyin's core, and seeing that he regained it afterwards; considering he was under the care of my sister and that her theory had been published before the war started, and that Wei-gongzi never used his sword or any spiritual energy again afterwards… Anyone who had even a basic understanding of Wei-gongzi's personality should have known what happened. But Jiang Wanyin proved himself incapable of thinking of anyone other than himself in every way. He's an honourless dog; one who never deserved the sacrifice Wei-gongzi made for him.”</p><p>Hanguang-jun  let out a small, wounded noise and doubled over where he sat, arms wrapped around his middle.</p><p>Wen Ning couldn't bring himself to pity the man much. He was grateful that he had taken care of A-Yuan, and clearly loved him like his own; but Nie-zhongzhu was insistent that he had also been completely in love with Wei-gongzi. Which made his lack of support or defense of Wei-gongzi at any point during the man's life unforgivable in Wen Ning’s mind.</p><p>After all, how much could have been changed; how many could have been saved, if only he had supported the man he supposedly loved? He had known they were not a dangerous army from his visit, and had done nothing to prevent their fates. Done nothing to help, support, or defend Wei-gongzi; even if he couldn't bring himself to aid the Wen Remnants themselves for the sake of their innocence, he should have done it for Wei-gongzi.</p><p>It was unfair, perhaps, to feel so harshly towards one of the few people who truly mourned for his lost friend. Someone he knew had been so important to him.</p><p>But Hanguang-jun's position and reputation meant that if he had spoken in defense of Wei-gongzi and the Wen Remnants, people would have listened.</p><p>At the very least; he should have made it clear that he did not hate Wei-gongzi, rather than allowing everyone – including Wei-gongzi himself – to believe he did. Wen Ning felt that his actions showed a man who was far too concerned with his own feelings and desires, and fears of rejection to have spent any thought on what the person he supposedly loved might have needed. Needed desperately, in fact.</p><p>Perhaps Wen Ning had simply become too bitter and resentful to see things objectively anymore.</p><p>It was possible.</p><p>Which meant that really; this ritual was a good thing.</p><p>Not just because of all the people who stood a chance to be saved by it; but because it would require Wen Ning to pour every last drop of resentment he possessed into the array. It would end his unnatural, cursed existence; truly and completely. At this point, he was honestly grateful for the prospect.</p><p>
  <em>For all that he had once been grateful for it; had seen it as a miraculous second chance… being forced to carry on without any hope of an end after everyone he had ever cared for was <strong>gone</strong>… it truly felt as though he had been cursed. So, yes – the potential promised by this ritual was indeed a blessing, in more ways than one. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He was just <strong>so tired</strong>. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>And <strong>angry</strong>. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tired of <strong>being</strong> angry. But he couldn't just <strong>stop</strong>. He couldn't really remember how <strong>not</strong> to be angry anymore. </em>
</p><p>“That…” Nie-zhongzhu’s voice trailed off. He, along with the others in the room, was now very pale. They all looked a bit sick, in fact. Hanguang-jun still hadn't lifted his head, and was shuddering.</p><p>Blinking slowly, it occurred to Wen Ning that while he was lost in thought, everyone around him was processing the revelation of just <em>how</em> Wei-gongzi had lost his core.</p><p>“Why would Jiang-zhongzhu turn on him after he'd done that?” Nie-zhongzhu spoke quietly, distress and horror filling his voice. “I don't- they were <em>brothers;</em> it was hard enough to understand how he could have turned on him in the first place, no matter <em>what</em> kind of rumours and trouble his actions were causing – but when he <em>gave up his core for him?”</em></p><p>Small curls of resentment swirled around Wen Ning’s feet as he remembered of how Wei-xiong had been betrayed by one of the people he loved and had sacrificed for the most.</p><p>“Wei-gongzi knew Jiang Wanyin's character well enough to recognize that he would only ever think about the core transfer in terms of pitying himself and resenting his brother; even if Wei-gongzi was much too good to blame him for it. So he lied with a very flimsy, <em>obviously</em> <em>fake</em> story about suddenly remembering the location of Baoshan Sanren's mountain, and sent a blindfolded Jiang Wanyin to a mountain where we were waiting for him. He told him to claim that he was Wei Wuxian, son of Cangse Sanren; and promised him that Baoshan Sanren would fix his core.”</p><p>Hostility dripped from every word; and he forced himself to close his eyes and push the resentment down. Wrestling it back under control before it could go wild.</p><p>
  <em>It was so much harder than it used to be.</em>
</p><p>The time to complete the ritual couldn't come soon enough.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>You may have noticed that I changed the chapter titles from "Prologue Part # - POV" to "Arc One: Chapter # - POV, Part #". That's because the next few chapters (including this one) were sort of a mess; and in the course of rewriting and cleaning that mess up, I realised that it would be better if I organized them differently, expanded on parts, cut others, and put it together so that there are four extra chapters before the one where LWJ actually time travels. They should be a bit shorter than this whole mess was initially; but also more clearly laid out and comprehensible. (It'll also be easier to post regularly that way.)<br/>So instead of "Four Part Prologue followed by Fifth Part Time Travel, then a LONG Interlude before getting into the story proper"; we're going to have "Arc One, consisting of Eight Chapters, followed by the time travel in Chapter Nine; then a Brief Interlude in Eight Short Parts." I always had the chapters after the prologue broken up into Arcs separated by Interludes; previously it just went, "Prologues; Interlude; Arc One; Interlude; Arc Two; etc." Then broken into Three Books to make a Trilogy. </p><p>Chapter List for Arc One goes like this:<br/><b>Arc One: Chapter One - Lan Xichen, Part One<br/>Arc One: Chapter Two - Nie Huaisang, Part One<br/>Arc One: Chapter Three - Lan Qiren, Part One<br/>Arc One: Chapter Four - Wen Ning, Part One<br/>Arc One: Chapter Five - Lan Wangji, Part One<br/>Arc One: Chapter Six - Lan Xichen &amp; Lan Qiren; Parts Two<br/>Arc One: Chapter Seven - Nie Huaisang, Part Two; &amp; Nie Zonghui<br/>Arc One: Chapter Eight - Wen Ning, Part Two<br/>Arc One: Chapter Nine - Lan Wangji, Part Two<br/>Ritual Consequences Through Time &amp; Space (Both Intentional &amp; Not) - An Interlude In Eight Parts<br/>Arc Two: Chapter One - Waking Up<br/>Etc, etc. </b></p><p>I'm not actually changing the length of the fic or adding new parts to it right now; so much as rearranging what was already there (or clarifying things that weren't properly explained/written out in my original draft). While there are technically extra chapters before we get into the "meat" of the story, they'll be shorter than the long, run-on disaster that I had to work with originally; thus, easier to post more frequently, even if my depression continues to stall my progress. So I'll probably get the interlude posted in the same length of time it would have taken me to get it ready if I'd tried to keep it to the "Five Chapter Prologue" format I had originally; but you'll get to read parts of the story a bit faster/more frequently before we get there. Hopefully nobody is upset by the change!</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Arc One: Chapter Five - Lan Wangji, Part One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Lan Wangji reflects, regrets, and reevaluates.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter is all exposition; just going into what's going on in Wangji's head during all of this. </p><p>Sorry it's so late; RL has been kicking me in the pants. Repeatedly. With steel-toed boots. 😣</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lan Wangji never knew it was possible to hate himself more than he did already. But Wen Ning’s story – his explanation of how Wei Ying willingly sacrificed his own golden core for his brother's sake – just left him all the more regretful of how little he'd done to help and protect the man he loved; and how that little came much too late.</p><p>However, his self-loathing was eclipsed by his disgust and resentment towards Jiang Wanyin. So much so that he could barely restrain himself from hunting the other man down and murdering him in cold blood. Not an altogether unfamiliar urge, if he was honest – but one that had never been so tempting; had never felt so <em>right</em>.</p><p>Not for the first time, he thought he could understand how his sweet, loving mother could have killed a man.</p><p>He did not know – would probably never know – why she had done it; but if she felt the way he did about Wei Ying's aggressors towards that man at the time, he could certainly understand how she could have lost control and killed him. It was a feeling he had been forced to come to terms with during the years following Wei Ying's death. A feeling that he had quite a lot of practice supressing; an urge which he had long forced himself never to indulge.</p><p>Wei Ying's death had taught him about the kind of hatred he hadn't previously realised he was capable of feeling beforehand. It festered within him like an untreated wound; filling his waking and sleeping moments like a form of madness.</p><p>In those early days, it was only A-Yuan who kept him sane.</p><p>Sane, and his hands clean of the sin of murder.</p><p>Losing that anchor to rationality and restraint now had done him no favours, and he was under no delusions about precisely how stable he <em>wasn't</em>.</p><p>He'd thought that it was not possible for him to regret more than he did already with regard to Wei Ying; impossible to feel worse about his beloved's tragic end. He was wrong.</p><p>As heart-breaking as the thought had been that Wei Ying’s death had been the result of unavoidable madness; ultimately the price of his bad decisions despite all of Wangji's warnings, the thought that he had not truly been mad at all – not until the cultivation world drove him to it, near the end – that his descent into insanity had never truly been his own fault… it was <em>devastating</em>.</p><p>The likely possibility of his love's soul being shattered beyond repair no longer seemed like something that would have been caused by Wei Ying's own choices; but by the betrayal and persecution of the cultivation world and his family – along with his grief for loved ones unjustly slaughtered.</p><p>Had Nie Huaisang not offered the promise of time travel; the possibility to undo the wrongs that had been done; to <em>fix</em> things…</p><p>Wangji likely would have done something very inadvisable.</p><p>Something very final, and irreversible.</p><p>Even with the option to redo things, the thought was still very tempting.</p><p>At least dwelling on thoughts of Wei Ying served as a small distraction from thoughts of Sizhui. Not much of one, and certainly not a very pleasant one – but his grief and regret over the loss of Wei Ying was an old pain; almost comforting in its familiarity. An abscess in his heart he had long learned to live with. Worrying at it like one would poke at a sore tooth with their tongue may have caused him pain; but it was a pain he was accustomed to enduring – which helped some to lessen his awareness of the much more recent, unfamiliar agony of the raw, still-bleeding wound in his soul that was Sizhui's death.</p><p>So he sat in silence, listening to Wen Ning’s world-altering revelations; and wondered wearily just how many times a person's world could be torn apart before they shattered irreparably.</p><hr/><p>He wasn't entirely sure how Shufu and Xiongzhang were taking the news of how Wei Ying lost his core. Hearing about it had shaken him so badly he hadn't been paying any attention to them, and now that he examined them they had mostly gotten their reactions under control.</p><p>Only mostly; because they were both pale, and still looked a bit ill and disturbed.</p><p>But he recognised the signs around their mouths and eyes that suggested they were both trying very hard <em>not</em> to Feel Things right now.</p><p>A small, childish part of Wangji wanted to stand up and scream at them that <em>he’d been right</em>; that <em>Wei Ying wasn't evil at all </em>– <em>he <strong>never</strong> had been!</em></p><p>Wanted to demand to know why they couldn't have listened to him; couldn't have trusted his judgement. Why they had been so quick to dismiss his actions as wrong, and Wei Ying as unworthy; why they refused to listen to him about the situation in the Burial Mounds. Why they had refused to investigate further; to learn the truth for themselves.</p><p>Yet he knew that it would serve no purpose.</p><p>At least now Wangji was not the only one struggling to stand beneath the weight of the regret and guilt he carried.</p><p>Any words he might say to rebuke or chastise them were nothing they wouldn't already be saying to themselves. Nothing that he, himself did not deserve as well, at least in part.</p><p>Ultimately, there was no satisfaction to be found in at long last being proven right.</p><p>Not now.</p><p>Not when it was far, far too late to do any good.</p><hr/><p>Silence had descended on the group in the aftermath of Wen Ning’s words.</p><p>All of them lost in thought; sad and reflective, unable to stem the crushing feeling of failure they felt over the situation and their handling of it.</p><p>Wangji knew he had made many mistakes with Wei Ying; had failed the man he loved in so many more ways than even he had ever known. It was no wonder, he realised, that the other man had rejected his confession so thoroughly. Not only because of the timing of it; but when had any of his words or actions conveyed his feelings to Wei Ying before?</p><p>Given all of their interactions prior to that point, was it any wonder that he wouldn't have believed Wangji to be sincere?</p><p>That he would have felt as though he were being mocked?</p><p>That Wangji's words had seemed so absurd that he couldn't believe in them?</p><p>No wonder Wei Ying had scorned him so.</p><p>To someone such as Wei Wuxian, who loved so deeply, so truly; unselfishly and unfalteringly, Lan Wangji's love must have seemed such a weak, insubstantial thing.  </p><p>In the face of someone whose love was fierce and loyal and brave that it drove him to dig out a piece of his own soul for his brother's sake; to reach into his own breast and tear out his own still-beating heart and give it freely, without hesitation or regret – with no expectation or assumption of return, no demand for it to be met with equal fervour; even deliberately choosing to conceal and never acknowledge his own sacrifices –  how could Wangji's furtive, cowardly, reluctant feelings compare? Feelings which he was ashamed of; which he denied vehemently and avoided desperately. Feelings which he failed to convey properly, again and again; not simply because he did not know the words to do so, but because he was afraid.</p><p>Afraid of rejection; of making himself vulnerable without any guarantee of reciprocation. So afraid of being hurt that he was unwilling to speak or act openly in support of Wei Ying until it was too late.</p><p>To someone like Wei Ying, who had undergone two and half days of surgery without anaesthetic or pain relief to remove a vital part of his very being intact and undamaged, in order to give it away without faltering or reluctance – how could he trust that the flimsy, unbelievable claim of love Wangji had made to him was anything but a joke?</p><p>Believe that Wangji meant it; was sincere, when he had done and said nothing to indicate it might be so all this time?</p><p>How could Wei Ying do anything but reject him?</p><p>Even the concerns the Lan expressed for the effects of resentful energy on his beloved were done in such a way that it was never clear that he was concerned for Wei Ying, himself; rather than concerned over the practice of evil techniques.</p><p>Never trusting him, believing in him; always doubting and disapproving. Always so quick to judge him and find him wanting.</p><p>More so than ever when Wei Ying was at his weakest and most vulnerable.</p><p>Just because Wangji did not know the circumstances, did not mean that the way no one other than the Wens had had any faith in Wei Ying would not have been painful. He did not tell anyone about them – because why would he confess something so painful and personal to those who were looking down on him, or accusing him without proof?</p><p>Why would he reveal weaknesses to those he had no reason to believe would not use it against him, his brother, or his sect?</p><p>Why would he think any of it would matter to anyone?</p><p>If he was going to be seen as guilty no matter what, wasn't it better not to give those who opposed him any reason to pity or gloat over him as well?</p><p>Was it even possible for him to trust someone who never trusted him?</p><p>Who was always refusing to listen to his promises that he knew what he was doing; who never gave him the benefit of the doubt?</p><p>Certainly, Wangji had been a fool.</p><p>The greatest of fools, to think that a promise of devotion with nothing to back it up; no apparent foundation to support it or evidence of its existence would ever be accepted. Especially when Wei Ying had already been so thoroughly betrayed and abandoned.</p><p>When he had just endured hell because of the faithlessness and eagerness to believe the worst of the cultivation world; right when it had just cost him two sisters and a brother, after the brother he had sacrificed himself for had already publicly denounced him and pledged to help kill him and the innocents he was protecting.</p><p>Right when he was grief-struck and teetering on the brink of madness; in the aftermath of a bloodbath where thousands had attempted to kill him and he had first defended himself, then lashed out in his agony over his sister's sacrifice to save him. How could he have taken anything Wangji said then seriously?</p><p>After all, Wangji had not stood with him when the whole of the cultivation world was against him; had only raised his sword to him and chastised him.</p><p>How could Wangji claim to love him when he never supported him?</p><p>Had left him to bear the hatred of the world alone; had only ever appeared to be against him when he was most in need? Had never truly sought to understand his reasons or his suffering; only making up his own mind without knowing all the facts.</p><p>It was clear to him now, that it had been impossible for Wei Ying to have reacted any other way.</p><p>Any heartache Wangji felt over the rejection he received had been well-earned.</p><p>Knowing that he was going to have another chance; to do things over, do them <em>right</em>... he would not make the same mistakes again.</p><p>Better to lay his heart at Wei Ying's feet; over and over, without acknowledgement or reciprocation, than to live another lifetime of protecting himself and regretting his reticence too late. To prove his love again and again; until it was undeniable, than to conceal it so thoroughly that it was undetectable.</p><p>Lan Wangji would not make the same mistakes again.</p><p>History would not repeat itself.</p><p>
  <em>He would not let it. </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading! </p><p>Comments and kudos are love~! ❤</p>
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